37 weeks ... lots of tears and smiles

As this week comes to an end, I am having a hard time placing exactly where my emotions are.  This week has been full of very lovely events ... our 80's themed baby party, we got our maternity pictures back ... but  it has been clouded by the fact that our plans to have a home birth have been ended.

Checking on Leentjie during the EVC.  

Last Friday we went to the hospital to try and turn Helena (through an EVC) ... but the Dr couldn't get her to budge.  She is super comfortable head up, using her placenta for a pillow.  So unless some miracle happens soon and she decides to turn, we have to have a c-section.  And although I know the end goal to have a happy, healthy baby will be accomplished I can't help to be very very sad and to feel very helpless about this turn of events.

Its hard to explain how truly sad, both BA and I are about having to have a c-section ... and honestly I don't think many people get why.  I feel bad complaining about it when I know how very lucky we were to get that I got pregnant so quickly, that the pregnancy has been super easy and that she is very healthy.

When I imagined the day I gave birth to our daughter ... it didn't involve drugs, a hospital, or her being cut out of me.  In fact all of those things is exactly what I didn't want or believe how (my) a birthing experience should be.  I wanted to feel empowered and strong and surrounded only by people who I know care and love Helena.  I wanted BA to be the person who delivered her and to be the first person to hold her.  I actually was looking forward to the whole laboring process.

But BA and I decided several weeks ago that trying for a vaginal breech delivery (even in a hospital setting) isn't worth the risks.  Our OBGYN has agreed to let me wait until I go into labor to do the c-section.  I want to labor in order to let her get ready to be born.  I just think it would be weird to be chilling and floating around one second and then all the sudden some huge hand reaches in and pulls you out into the cold.  So as of now we are playing the waiting game ... I will go to the hospital as soon as either 1. my water breaks or 2. my contractions are 5 minutes apart.

Today was suppose to be the last meeting with our midwife ... but neither BA or I wanted to say goodbye.  She has been such a life saver and teacher through out this whole pregnancy!  Every session we have had with her has been at least two hours long!  I can't imagine how women do it with just an OBGYN.  It really means something to know that this person who is going to delivery your baby REALLY cares about you, your baby and the entire birthing experience.  So when she offered to continue seeing us through the rest of the pregnancy and for after care we jumped on the offer!

It is really comforting to have Maggie (midwife) around.  She knows from her own experience what its like to have your heart set on a home birth only to end up having a c-section.  Her story is so sad ... an OBGYN's bad call basically forced her into surgery she didn't want or need.  She had gone to her last OBGYN appointment to make sure everything was good to go and the doctor came to the conclusion that she was 2 weeks past due and her baby was going to be too large (she is a tiny tiny women) to deliver.  So he basically scared her into a c-section that same afternoon.  She had a son ... who was just over seven pounds ... def not too large.  She told me today that it took her a good year to get over that experience ... and what fueled her fire to become a midwife.

BUT on to the good parts of the week

80's themed Baby Party!  Our friends Amanda (and Marty) were kind enough to throw us a Baby Party ... and of course staying in themes of Marty/Amanda parties it was a costume party.  We got some awesome presents: a potty, books, a swing, monitors, leg warmers, real outfits, an Afrikaans Folk Song CD, and best of all the most radical baby party ever thrown!

BA and I in our party clothes! (Picture courtesy of Amanda)

My favorite picture of the night ... Jen, Meryn, Effy and Holden!  I hope Leentjie is as cute as these monkeys!

We also got our maternity pictures and here is the link to view them ... BUT as a warning there are some almost naked ones (of me not BA) ... so view at you own risk!

MATERNITY PICTURES!!!

We also moved Leentjie's cradle up to our room.  I think for now we have decided not to co-sleep.  Only because of mechanical reasons ... our mattress is too soft, we have too many pillows and I don't want to not share our blankets.  So she'll sleep in her cradle 12 inches or so from me.

Her cradle so we don't smash her.

The big chore this week is to pack a bag for the hospital ... 2 weeks left and she can come any day!